Frederick Douglas:  We must abolish slavery.

Abraham Lincoln:  We must preserve the Union.  To that end, we must abolish slavery.

Douglas:  Sure.  Why not?

(Lincoln and Douglas fidget their fingers for a minute.)

Lincoln:  I wonder if the nation will ever end up with a negro president.

Douglas:  In the year of our lord 2008, maybe?

Lincoln:  In the meantime we should probably just ship you all back to Africa.

Douglas:  Sigh.

(Five seconds of awkward silence.)

I hear you had some debates with Stephen Douglas which were real barn burners.

Lincoln:  I tend to think I won, but you know — he ended up in the Senate, so I guess he won.

Douglas:  Maybe I should challenge him to a Douglas — Douglas debate.

Lincoln:  Nah, I think he wouldn’t go for any talk with a negro.

Douglas:  Sigh.

(ten seconds of awkward silence.)

You know, when you get around to Reconstruction and “Healing the Rift of the Nation”, would you make sure the counter-reaction in the former slave colonies of disenfranchisement by way of ultra violence doesn’t work out?

Lincoln:  Oh, that’ll be up to future administrations to sort out after my assassination.  Andrew Johnson.  Ulysses Grant.  Those guys.

Douglas:  Johnson sucks.

Lincoln:  Yeah, pretty much.

(Various death threats are thrown out from the crowd, but it is difficult to ascertain whether they’re directed to Lincoln, Douglas, or both.)

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