I.\u00c2\u00a0 1932.\u00c2\u00a0 A nine year old Quaker boy from Rochester, New Hampshire stands with his parents in a cluster of fellow tourists at Buckingham Palace.\u00c2\u00a0 To everyone’s surprise and delight, the Royal Family — The Queen Mum, King George, and young Elizabeth II — stride across… an error in coordination and scheduling.\u00c2\u00a0 They stop and smile and wave at the cheering crowd.\u00c2\u00a0 All except for Elizabeth, who instead focuses a glare off at the puzzled looking Quaker boy.\u00c2\u00a0 She then lobs him a rhaspberry and mouths those immortal words “Neener Neener.”\u00c2\u00a0 The British Royals walk on, the crowd of tourists buzzing with excitement at the unexpected meeting.\u00c2\u00a0 While, meantime, the young Quaker boy from Rochester begins to nurse the sting from his royal snubbing.
\n1968:\u00c2\u00a0 While teaching a course of Marxist economics at the radical Free University of New York, Lyndon Larouche wanders in and off the campus of Columbia University — then in the midst of a student led shut down and revolt.\u00c2\u00a0 He poaches a group of leftist students turned off by the Weather Underground and various Maoist sects and enthused by his call to bring Marxism to Mars.\u00c2\u00a0 But it is all a ruse and subterfuge — for at the first opportunity, Larouche will drop the pretense of Marxist Martian relations and lead his young cadre to its real mission: a 50 year struggle to avenge the personal snubbing he experienced at the age of 9 by the Diabolical Queen of England.<\/p>\n
II.\u00c2\u00a0 1938.\u00c2\u00a0 Lyndon Larouche tries out for high school choir.\u00c2\u00a0 The teachers advising give their listen, and then a prompt set of thumbs down.\u00c2\u00a0 “We’re afraid your pitch is just too flat.”
\nStung by the rejection, Larouche rejects their recommendation for voice lessons and settles on the real reason for his rejection: the teachers have bought into the idea that C = 261.1, up from the proper designation of the 19th century concert hall of C=256.
\n2004:\u00c2\u00a0 Lyndon Larouche sends his latest groupings of youth onto college campuses — ostensibly with the selling point of offering information exposing Dick Cheney through the latest expose Children of Satan 3: The Sexual Congress of Cultural Fascism.\u00c2\u00a0 But this set up masks the real purpose: to expose the college aged contingent to Beethoven sang at the proper pitch of 256, and damned those high school music teachers.<\/p>\n
III.\u00c2\u00a0 1965.\u00c2\u00a0 A neglectful Lyndon Larouche falls asleep while watching The Man From Uncle and leaving the stove on in the kitchen.\u00c2\u00a0 His walks in to see a small electrical fire.\u00c2\u00a0 Lyndon Larouche walks into the kitchen.\u00c2\u00a0 “What we have here,” he says as his wife douses the flames with baking soda and suggests Lyndon Larouche be more careful in the future, “is another one of those Reichstag Fires.”<\/p>\n
IV.\u00c2\u00a0 1974.\u00c2\u00a0 Lyndon Larouche assembles his NCLC to alert them to revelations that he is the target of an assassination plot by a gaggle of Cuban Frogmen.\u00c2\u00a0 The Labor Committees get to work, to stem the atack — unaware of one small piece of misunderstanding.\u00c2\u00a0 For when they hear “Cuban Frogmen”, they think in terms of military seals — when what Larouche was referring to was an unfortunate encounter in Little Havana with three belligerent street performers dressed in cheap knock off Kermit the Frog costumes.<\/p>\n
V.\u00c2\u00a0 1976.\u00c2\u00a0 Lyndon Larouche looks down at a stack of a couple hundred copies of his latest handbill — “Stop Nelson Rockefeller’s Drive to World War 3”.\u00c2\u00a0 One of his members of the NCLC walks in and says “Big News.\u00c2\u00a0 Ford is dropping Rockefeller from the ticket.”
\n“Good riddance to the Second Most Evil Man of the Planet, and another victory for the Labor Committees!”
\n“So.\u00c2\u00a0 Should we pulp all those handbills now?”
\n“Hm,” Lyndon Larouche muses.\u00c2\u00a0 “Give me an hour and I’ll figure this one out.”
\nAn hour later, Lyndon Larouche walks into the room with a stash of papers he’d just printed off that read “Jimmy Carter” over and over again.
\n“All right,” Lyndon Larouche tells his aid.\u00c2\u00a0 “Here’s a pair of scissors.\u00c2\u00a0 Here’s some paste.\u00c2\u00a0 Get to work cutting and pasting ‘Jimmy Carter’ over ‘Nelson Rockefeller’ on all these handbills.”
\n“But.\u00c2\u00a0 That’s take forever.”
\n“Do you or do you not want to stop Jimmy Carter’s drive to World War 3? … And understand, the world war 3 Jimmy Carter is launching won’t just be a world war, it won’t just be a nuclear war, it will be a thermonuclear war.”<\/p>\n
VI.\u00c2\u00a0 1985.\u00c2\u00a0 Still smarting from his third straight failed run at the US Presidency, Lyndon Larouche hatches a desperate plan.\u00c2\u00a0 Select an up and coming Hollywood talent marked as the “Next Big Thing”, kidnap him and threaten him until he relents to place pro-Larouche material into their next project.\u00c2\u00a0 So it is Lyndon Larouche poses as a taxi driver and hovers around an unlikely figure for his projected “Next Big Thing”:\u00c2\u00a0 a young alt weekly cartoonist by the name of Matt Groening.\u00c2\u00a0 And when Matt Groening finally hails Lyndon Larouche’s taxi, it takes a while to sense something amiss.\u00c2\u00a0 And just when Groeing senses things getting a little uncomfortable, Larouche turns back and flashes Groening a creepy Cheshire grin, and says “Don’t you know who I am?”
\n“Er… no,” Matt Groeing says.
\n“I’m Lyndon Larouche.\u00c2\u00a0 I just ran for president.\u00c2\u00a0 Didn’t you see my infomercial where I exposed Walter Mondale as a wholly owned agent of the KGB, Socialist International, and Swedish Grain Cartel?”
\n“I guess I missed that one?”
\n“Look.\u00c2\u00a0 I am going to swerve this car into that ravine right now unless I get a pledge from you right now — In your next Big Production — whatever that may be — you will place an unmistakable message that I, Lyndon Larouche, was right all along.”
\n“Uh –”
\n“Don’t think I’m bluffing!”
\nMatt Groening quickly capitulates, and without saying a word Lyndon Larouche drives Groening back and drops him off at his requested designation.
\n1996.\u00c2\u00a0 Having long forgotten about his encounter with Lyndon Larouche, Matt Groening receives an ominous reminder in the mail.\u00c2\u00a0 Letters cut out ransom style from a magazine, the note reads “We Had an agreement”, followed by a pasted news blurb on Larouche’s release from prison, then the notice “Do your duty or I’ll expose you as I did Bertrand Russell,” and then a headline cut from a Larouchie screed: “Bertrand Russell: The Most Evil Man of the 20th Century”.
\nMatt Groening calls Dan Castellaneta into the studio to insert one additional line into the year’s “Treehouse of Horrors” Simpsons episode — with Homer Simpson blurting out “Aliens!\u00c2\u00a0 Bio-duplication!\u00c2\u00a0 Nude Conspiracies!\u00c2\u00a0 Oh My God!\u00c2\u00a0 Lyndon Larouche was right!”, and he hopes that this is enough to appease the man.<\/p>\n
VII.\u00c2\u00a0 1985.\u00c2\u00a0 “We think we have a real shot in elections in Illinois next year, with Mark and Janice gunning for Lt. Governor and Secretary of State.\u00c2\u00a0 But… you’re both going to have to change your last names.\u00c2\u00a0 See — the greatest advantage Janice has against her opponent would appear to be that her opponent’s name has an unwieldy 5 to 2 vowel to consonant ratio, and frankly we right now are not in a position to take advantage.”
\n“What do you think I should change my name to?” asked Janice Poopsherpants.
\n“We’re thinking… the asses voting will want … a monosyllabic name that speaks to the heart.\u00c2\u00a0 So… Hart.\u00c2\u00a0 You’ll be Janice Hart.\u00c2\u00a0 As for you, Mark…”
\n“Yes?” said Mark Genghiskan.
\n“I think ‘Mark Fairchild’ will drive the greatest contrast against the candidate you’re opposing.”
\n“Who’s that?”
\n“George Satanchild.”<\/p>\n
VIII.\u00c2\u00a0 1992.\u00c2\u00a0 A prison doctor suggests to Lyndon Larouche the advisability of removing some anal polyps.\u00c2\u00a0 “Is that all right?” he asks.
\nLyndon Larouche stares at the doctor.\u00c2\u00a0 “Sure.\u00c2\u00a0 But only if you pass my rigorous screening process.\u00c2\u00a0 You understand, I am a man with many enemies.”
\n“Okay?”
\n“I’m going to ask a series of questions that will show your intentions.\u00c2\u00a0 Question #1: What do you know about Nicholas of Cusa?”
\n“Uh… nothing?”
\n“Ah hah!\u00c2\u00a0 That’s exactly what the Knights Templar, the enemies of Nicholas of Cusa, currently residing in the halls of the\u00c2\u00a0Keplerian faction of the\u00c2\u00a0Leesburg Garden Club–\u00c2\u00a0are trained to say.\u00c2\u00a0 Sorry.\u00c2\u00a0 But I cannot and will not allow you to poke your Agent Orange or whatever dynamite you’ve concocted into my anus.\u00c2\u00a0 My anal polyps remain.\u00c2\u00a0 Not only that, but I’m going to expose your plot to all the world like I did the assassination attempt from Castro’s Kermit Crew!”<\/p>\n
IX.\u00c2\u00a0 2008.\u00c2\u00a0 Lyndon Larouche lectures before his “Larouche Youth Movement” cadre school.\u00c2\u00a0 He has written on the chalkboard a long list of names of “Great Leaders” and Statesmen in history, Promethean Souls who Transcended Humanity.
\n“One of the things a great deal of these Great Immortal Souls has in common,” Lyndon Larouche says to his young cadre, “is that — particularly toward the end of life — they had the companionship of a younger mistress.”
\n“Um,” one of the Larouche Youth cadres says.\u00c2\u00a0 “That’s the third time you’ve offered that observation.\u00c2\u00a0 Is there something you’re getting at?”
\n“Just recording the mutual benefits of a relationship which has historically advanced human history and culture against the sea of\u00c2\u00a0dionysian malthusian darkness.”
\n“Kind of an Anna Nicole Smith deal?”
\n“Psst.\u00c2\u00a0 Ix-nay on the Op-pay ulture-cay.\u00c2\u00a0 You don’t want to align with the Aristotlean Beastmen, do you?”
\n“In the right circumstances, you’ll find I can be an Aristotlean Beastman,” Larouche says.
\nThe whole of the Larouche Youth cadre cringe in unison.
\n“Anyway, if you need some one on one with me, I’ll be in the office… … I mean, to discuss Beethoven or whatever… … …. Hegel’s cool with it…. … sigh.”
\nAnd the door slams.\u00c2\u00a0 Robert Beltran walks in from the side, wondering if he should shuttle “Romeo and Juliet” in favor of King Lear.<\/p>\n
X.\u00c2\u00a0 2009.\u00c2\u00a0 It was not widely known, but Lyndon Larouche had a minor ownership share in the Boston furniture store ‘Leatherstocking Upholsteries”.\u00c2\u00a0 \u00c2\u00a0So he checked in to his majority owner partner and asked, “How’s business been?”
\n“Oh.\u00c2\u00a0 Great.\u00c2\u00a0 Except for one thing…”
\n“What’s that?” Lyndon Larouche asked.
\n“Well.\u00c2\u00a0 We have this massive back stock of dining room tables.\u00c2\u00a0 We need to get rid of these dining room tables.\u00c2\u00a0 If only we could get it into people’s minds, the purchasing of dining room tables… even subliminally.”
\n“You know,” said Lyndon Larouche.\u00c2\u00a0 “I think I have an idea!”
\nLyndon Larouche then called up his old friend, Congressman Barney Frank.
\n“Hey!” said Barney Frank.\u00c2\u00a0 “Been a while.\u00c2\u00a0 You know, I really owe you one for how you relieved the media spotlight on me during my sordid sex related scandal by running that wacky candidate of yours against me.”
\n“Yeah, well” Lyndon Larouche said.\u00c2\u00a0 “I’ calling in the favor right now.\u00c2\u00a0 So, at your next town hall, I will have one of my followerers waving one of my ‘Obama with Hitler mustache’ things at you and denouncing the ACA as Hitler’s Health Care Policy…”
\n“Still going back to the oldies, huh?”
\n“I need you to insult her –”
\n“Sounds easy!”
\n“– By referring to her as a ‘dining room table’.”
\n“But.\u00c2\u00a0 That doesn’t make any sense.”
\n“It is imperative that you refer to her as a dining room table.”
\n“But.\u00c2\u00a0 Can’t I think of something more … witty?”
\n“No.\u00c2\u00a0 It must be ‘dining room table’.”
\n“But –”
\n“Do this.\u00c2\u00a0 Or I’ll expose you like I did Bertrand Russell.”<\/p>\n
XI.\u00c2\u00a0 2014.\u00c2\u00a0 Lyndon Larouche flips through a thousand copies of his latest handbill — “Pass Glass Steagall Now Or Thermonuclear War in March.”
\n“Yeeowtch!” he yells.
\nHis wife rushes in.\u00c2\u00a0 “What’s wrong, dear?”
\n“Quick.\u00c2\u00a0 Get me a band aid.\u00c2\u00a0 It seems I have on my hands another one of those… Reichstag Paper cuts.”<\/p>\n
XII.\u00c2\u00a0 2016.\u00c2\u00a0 Lyndon Larouche sits in Moscow with two emissaries of the Russian government.
\n“So let me see if I understand this,” Lyndon Larouche says.\u00c2\u00a0 “You want us — basically a kind of reprise of a conspiracy theory we ran in the early 90s with George Bush and a pedophile ring out of Nebraska — to claim a pedophile ring is based at a Virginia pizza parlor?”
\n“No.” The Russian agent says.\u00c2\u00a0 “We’re asking you to refrain from this story.\u00c2\u00a0 Because if you did this story — the paranoid fringe will dismiss it with a ‘Oh, that’s Lyndon Larouche.’\u00c2\u00a0 We’ll be passing that sotry on to someone with more credibility — Alex Jones.”
\n“Huh.\u00c2\u00a0 Okay.\u00c2\u00a0 And if we do as you suggest — and don’t report on this pizza parlor pedophile ring.\u00c2\u00a0 What’s in it for us?”
\n“Well.\u00c2\u00a0 When the times comes.\u00c2\u00a0 If and when a President Trump crosses us in NATO policy or the Crimean.\u00c2\u00a0 We will give you first dibs on… video footage of Donald Trump getting urinated on.”
\n“Uh –” Lyndon Larouche says.\u00c2\u00a0 It is the last phrase he would ever utter.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I.\u00c2\u00a0 1932.\u00c2\u00a0 A nine year old Quaker boy from Rochester, New Hampshire stands with his parents in a cluster of fellow tourists at Buckingham Palace.\u00c2\u00a0 To everyone’s surprise and delight, the Royal Family — The Queen Mum, King George, and young Elizabeth II — stride across… an error in coordination and scheduling.\u00c2\u00a0 They stop and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18023","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-larouche-challenge","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.struat.com\/election\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18023","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.struat.com\/election\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.struat.com\/election\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.struat.com\/election\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.struat.com\/election\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=18023"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/www.struat.com\/election\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18023\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":18050,"href":"http:\/\/www.struat.com\/election\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18023\/revisions\/18050"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.struat.com\/election\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=18023"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.struat.com\/election\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=18023"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.struat.com\/election\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=18023"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}